


Team-Building Exercises

by SLCKat



Category: The Avengers - All Fandoms
Genre: CRACKIEST OF CRACK, Coulson hasn't had enough to drink for this, Crack, Drag Queens, Gen, Why do I only write crack these days?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-04-27
Updated: 2012-04-27
Packaged: 2017-11-04 10:11:59
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,438
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/392683
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SLCKat/pseuds/SLCKat
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Who knew that a drag show could be considered a team-building exercise?</p>
            </blockquote>





	Team-Building Exercises

**Author's Note:**

> I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. Well, okay, not really. Well. Maybe for the crappy photoshopping that resulted from this. But all in all, sorry.
> 
> Also, there is a playlist that goes with this. Here ya go. 
> 
> http://tinysong.com/p/4Jleq

   Agent Phil Coulson had seen a lot of strange and terrifying things during his time in S.H.I.E.L.D. Everything from aliens to gods to superhumans to radioactive messes disguised as people. But nothing he had seen—NOTHING—had prepared him for this.

   It was to be expected that Thor made a very ugly woman. Coulson was surprised at how disturbing the fact was that he had considered what each member of his team would look like as a woman (except, of course, Black Widow, who was, in fact, a woman.) However, a S.H.I.E.L.D. agent has to be prepared for every eventuality when it comes to their team, and have a plan in place for each.

   That didn’t negate the feeling of creeping horror that accompanied the sight of Thor dressed in a red, sparkly… thing… and sporting a blonde wig, lip-synching to Bonnie Tyler’s “I Need a Hero.” 

   “He’s gotta be strong and he’s gotta be fast and he’s gotta be fresh from the fight!” belted Thor as he clomped around the makeshift stage that some idiot had set up in the Avengers’ spacious living room.

   Coulson had only been here forty-five seconds, and he already knew this was Tony Stark’s fault somehow.

   Only Iron Man would put on an amateur drag show for kicks.

   Thor managed to wobble his way around the stage until the song was finished, taking a bow as JARVIS announced that “Miss Asgarder Belt” would be back later in the evening for another number.

 

 

   The opening chords of Frankie Goes to Hollywood’s “Relax” began to play over the sound system and, horror of horrors, Bruce Banner crept onto the stage, resplendent in a towering black wig adorned with purple feathers and a dress of purple sequins. He began to mouth the words but, halfway through the first line, noticed Coulson and began to flush bright red under his elaborate makeup.

   Banner managed to dash off the stage quickly enough that he Hulked offstage rather than on, saving the stage… but not the dress. Scraps of sequined fabric flew everywhere as the Hulk retreated to his room to calm down.

   The song abruptly ended, with JARVIS making apologies for “Miss U-Maude Bro.”

 

 

   Coulson decided that seeing Hulk in drag was more disturbing than Thor. He realized that, at some point, he was going to have to put an end to this nonsense, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop it. He wanted to know if Stark had managed to get everyone involved and, if so, how exactly he’d done it.

   When “Hit Me With Your Best Shot” started to play, Coulson almost gave in the urge to plant his face firmly in his hands, because there was only one person who would dance to that particular song in his team…

   And yes, Hawkeye prancing around in a truly magnificent feathered dress and towering purple and black wig was not something Coulson thought he’d ever be able to get out of his head. Ever. It didn’t help that, halfway through the song, Barton began shooting things with a crossbow concealed in his garter belt. Coulson admired his innovation, but there was a time and place.

   JARVIS piped in audience applause as “Miss Queue Pidd” was thanked for “her” performance, and Coulson finally decided that it would be in his best interests to sit down instead of standing there and gawking like an idiot as his team pranced around in women’s clothes.

 

 

   He had just settled himself into one of the room’s comfortable, leather chairs when the obligatory Cher track came one. Coulson actually knew all the words to “If I Could Turn Back Time,” as one of his ex-wives had used it to try and win him back once. Which was difficult to do from jail, but that was neither here nor there.

   He had to admit that Captain America had pretty nice legs for a man. Rogers at least had the decency to look rather ashamed of himself, but as the song went on, he got more and more into it, until he was flipping his blue wig and jiggling the sequined bits on his dress to the beat of the music. Coulson could have done without that picture as well, but there was no helping it. He was already fondly thinking of the bottle of scotch he kept in his desk for particularly bad days.

   “Miss Star-Spangled Bangher” exited the stage to more canned applause, and a pole rose from the floor for the next number. Coulson prayed it wasn’t Stark. Some things could make even him frightened, and the thought of Iron Man gyrating on a pole scared the daylights out of him.

 

 

   However, the next drag queen that came out and took “her” place on the stage was petite, well-formed, and…

   A low oath slipped from Coulson’s lips. They’d even gotten Black Widow in on this madness. As “Tainted Love” began, Romanova began to writhe around on the pole, then began using her acrobatic skills for a number of mind-boggling moves. Coulson supposed this could be used towards Black Widow’s training hours, given the usefulness of the moves, and then he realized that he was thinking of work when a woman was pole dancing in front of him. That thought was quickly followed by one reminding him that this was one of his agents who could kill him easily for thinking anything less that appropriate about her person, and he focused on tapping his fingers to the heavy beat of the song instead of Black Widow’s movements.

   When JARVIS announced her as “Doris Yelpin, the Molotov Cocktease,” Coulson barked a short burst of laughter before he could help it. Romanova glared at him as she flounced off the stage, and Coulson tried not to think about how he was going to pay for that later.

 

 

   The pole, thankfully, retracted back into the floor, signaling the end of its use, and a song Coulson almost didn’t recognize began to play. A drag queen in gold and red strutted onto the stage, blowing him a kiss, and Coulson tried not to think about how natural Tony Stark looked in drag. Despite the facial hair, Stark affected the mannerisms of a woman rather easily, which was disturbing on a lot of levels Coulson didn’t want to further explore.

   The song turned out to be “So Many Men, So Little Time,” which was particularly apt for Stark’s hedonistic lifestyle, but really, Coulson didn’t want to know. At all.

   Canned applause again and the announcement that “Fe Male” would be back for the finale, and Coulson had to admit that the names were rather clever. He wondered who had come up with them.

 

 

   When a rather gorgeous queen in a green-sequined dress strutted onstage, Coulson was momentarily confused. This was not one of his team. At all. The lack of music showed that this was not the planned performance, but the queen snapped “her” fingers and “Don’t Leave Me This Way” began to play. As she danced and pranced around the stage in her gold and green stilettos, Coulson had a dawning realization: Loki was onstage. In drag. In Avengers’ HQ.

   The security breach was monumental and, as Coulson reached for the nearest alarm, Loki met his eyes, winked one heavily-made-up eye, and disappeared, the music stopping with his disappearance.

 

 

   Coulson blinked, sat back down, and began mentally listing all of the security protocols he’d have to update to keep that from happening again. Even if Loki did make a damn fine woman, there was no reason for him to be able to get into the building. Even to participate in a drag show.

   He had almost decided to get up and start working on security measures when another song came on. Sister Sledge’s “We Are Family” began to blare, and, one by one, his team strutted onto stage, striking various poses before beginning to dance and sing. Towards the end of the song, they all ripped off their wigs and screamed the lyrics to the sky, and Coulson decided, what the hell, and jumped up onstage with them.

   He had no idea that drag shows could be considered team-building exercises.

   He also didn’t know he knew all the words to “We Are Family,” but apparently, he did.

   Coulson was going to have Stark’s ass for this later, but, right now, he decided to suspend disbelief and just give in to the madness. He so seldom did. 

   The fact that he was going to go lock himself in his office and drink all this away was irrelevant.


End file.
